Mom to Mom | Her Sweet Heart

“My heart is torn just in knowing, you'll someday see the truth from lies." -Plumb

As per our routine on the nights I am not up late editing, Steve and I check on Addisyn together before we head to bed ourselves. We move her back to her pillow, tuck her blankets snuggly around her, make sure her favorite stuffed animal is tucked in her arms, and softly move her hair away from her face so we can kiss her cheeks and whisper one more “I love you”. It is often the case that the rest of our evening conversation is about her and what new words she said that day, what cool pretend story she created while playing, how sweet she was at dinner when she said, ”scused pease” to get up from the kitchen table, or just how wildly in love with her we are. It’s one of my favorite times with my husband because he makes a darn good dad and he beams with pride, love, and everything in-between when he speaks about his little girl. A true sign that I married a wonderful man and a huge relief to me that Addisyn will grow up knowing how a real man is supposed to treat his lady. But, Steve and I also have nights when we talk about Addisyn’s sensitive heart.  We discuss times in the day when she had her feelings hurt and how it makes us sad to know as she gets older the world’s perception of “normal” will begin to affect some of the character that we love about our little girl. I fear the day when she is too embarrassed to break out a free spirited dance in any store or whenever she hears a good dance (or “ballerine” in Addy language) song despite who is looking.  I cringe at the idea that one day she might think it’s lame to put on a new dress, run to Steve, do a twirl to show it off, and say “Look Dadda, I bootiful!” or that one day it will no longer be “cool” to give mom and dad four different types of kisses at night (regular kiss, noozle kiss, butterfly kiss, and a kiss with one leg up).

Although we rarely admit it, Steve and I know she will someday begin to realize that this world has other ideas for her. Wrong ideas, I might add, like her love for Jesus isn’t real, that her beauty is defined by her body figure, her clothes, or how many boys like her, and that her random dance-offs aren’t appropriate in public. It is even a huge possibility that the world will tell her that loving her parents openly and choosing to respect and obey them isn’t cool. We know it is inevitable because we live in that same world. I don’t think I will ever be fully prepared for the day when Addisyn comes home from school comparing herself others or when she looks in the mirror and doesn’t see the most beautiful girl in the world.

I think as parents we have this inherent protective gene built in us. We must protect our children physically to the best of our ability, yes, but let’s not forget to do so spiritually and emotionally as well. This protection can come in forms of open communication, outwardly loving our children, and even showing them what respect means between mom and dad. As Addisyn gets older, I find myself being more mindful of how her peers are affecting her and how her daily activities and interactions can mold her. So at the end of the day during our family time, Steve and I make sure we dance extra long with her, ask her questions about her day, talk to her about Jesus, and tell her how proud we are to have her as our daughter. We know the world is coming and we can’t stop it, but we’ll do everything in our power ensure our little girl is emotionally and spiritually equip for when it gets here.

Some of Addisyn's Autumn pics :-) 

With Love,

Stacy Hart

Suffering into Hope

When the tears of suffering meets the arms of hope, great things will happen.

My last personal blog post was on August 21^st and admittedly, I am okay with that. My heart and mind have been somewhere else and consequently my thoughts have been far removed from this blog. I don’t know how many people read my blog, but the handful of people I know who do are well connected with my life. They know that almost one month ago some very dear friends, Katie and Justin, lost their five year old son Nate in a tragic drowning. I received the call on Labor Day morning. With the news came an unknown heaviness from within my chest that held me in my bed and in a zombie-like state for days. I screamed. I cried out to God. I questioned Him. I fell into my bed and onto my knees and cried for hours. This can’t be happening. Not to Katie.

I have sat down to write this post at least a half dozen times. Each time, a paragraph into the post, I would shut my laptop down and cry. I felt helpless and shattered. I could not do anything to honor Nate or comfort his family and my words seemed so insignificant.  You see, I didn’t know Nate as well as his family knew him. Yes, I was blessed with a few summer beach trips with our two families and a few photo shoots sprinkled here and there, but there weren’t enough memories to share or stories to tell that I could naturally recall.   Each time I have left this laptop broken-hearted and with the thought, I didn’t love him the way I know Katie loved him. This isn’t my story to tell.

Katie and I were texting back and forth one day a couple of weeks ago during one of my attempts to write again. I asked her for permission to blog about Nate, but told her it might not happen because I couldn’t form my thoughts.   She simply told me to write from my heart. And so, with that advice, I opened the laptop one more time today.

This is for Katie.

Katie is a great mother from whom I seek advice and encouragement. We have had countless conversations about motherhood; how tired we are, how we crave a beer and some chips with salsa after the kids go to bed, how quitting our jobs to be stay-at-home-moms was the best thing we could have ever done, how we can’t shake that last five pounds from delivering our babies, and how the personalities of our little ones are shining through each day.  I see myself in her and I know she sees herself in me. We wear the title “mommy” proudly and truly know it as one very important purpose we have on this earth. We both have been blessed to feel the waves of peace that come with the gift of motherhood and we connect on the mommy and friend level more than I can with a lot of other women. This is why when I began to write this post, as humbled and discouraged as I was, I realized that it didn’t have to be about Nate. It could be about Katie.  Amongst her suffering, Katie has given so many of us moms hope and motivation. You see, while her thoughts are consumed with great memories of Nate and plagued with unanswered questions, my thoughts are always on her. As a mother, I have questioned if I could go on after losing a child even for the sake of my other kids and husband. I have imagined countless moments in Katie’s new life where she will have to face this void. I have even shouted out at God on Katie’s behalf and yet, I know I am only feeling a fraction of her pain. So what must Katie be thinking about our Almighty Creator?  I look at Addisyn and I see Nate – not in personality or in physical traits, but in a child divinely created and given to me on purpose with no telling how many days she has. It scares the crap out of me to imagine being in the place where Katie is right now and all I have been able to do is pray for hope in a future with joy, peace, and Christ’s presence. It never occurred to me that while we are all praying for hope, Katie is living it. She has not only put one foot in front of the other every day, but she has publicly displayed her strength in Christ and in her will to move forward and find joy again. She has been intentional in her healing, knowing she must find peace again and never doubting her purpose as a mother, a wife, or a child of God. Here I am, tears hitting my keyboard, realizing that in the reflection of her suffering, Katie has shown so many of us how to live a life with true hope and faith.   

Nate being silly in one of my visits, putting grass in his momma's hair :-) 

Go Out. Be Great! 

Stacy

To read more about Nate and the legacy he has left behind to "Go Out. Be Great!" visit his site at http://www.nathanchrisbaker.com/