Mom-to-Mom | Savoring this Season

I don’t know what I expect. Maybe a floating warning sign that lights up above Addisyn and Kellan when they are about to do something that proves their growing up way to fast. It would flash brightly whenever they were about to surprise the heck out of me with a new something.  Like Kellan pulling himself up onto Addisyn’s play table before he can even crawl, or Addisyn showing me a picture she drew of Gamma, Gampa, and her, their Bugglebum. Since when does she draw stick figures so perfectly? And by perfectly I mean that they have warped circle heads, spider arms that reach to the sky, triangle bodies with peg legs, and the biggest smiles on their faces, so perfectly drawn nonetheless. I believe the floating warning signs would at least tame my proud momma moments to a quiet praise instead of my normal high pitched squeal. I feel like everyday it’s something different; Kellan pulling himself up in the Pack-n-Play or Addisyn coming up with a contemporary dance move that will surely land her a spot in the top twenty of So You Think You Can Dance, season 28.  Last week, it was going under water while holding her breath during swim lessons. Yesterday it was breaking apart her food and feeding it to the dogs under the table- sneaky and disobedient, yes, but so stinkin’ hilarious to watch.  And today it was, “Momma can you sign me up for dance lessons and princess lessons”. To which I replied, “Baby, I think you have the princess bit covered”. The good, the bad, and the cute – this girl and my little boy are on roadrunner speed in the growing up department.

I wish I could say that I have been able to sit back and enjoy it all. That every day was full of praise or proud momma moments, but that is not the case. In fact, I would say the scales often tip on the side of short tempered momma days. It’s been a hard transition for me to two kids. When I used to be so patient and purposeful in raising Addisyn, there are days now when I am quick to use a tone of voice I am not proud of, or even say things I shouldn't say to my child simply because I am trying to teach her through my actions and words. While some days go wonderfully, other days are filled with moments of anxiety, worry, and even instances of anger that I have to try to control. It’s not fun. At all. And the saddest part is that I know I am missing some of the very best parts about my little girl just because I just too tired and exhausted. 

She wants to put together a puzzle, and I’m irritated that she doesn't put the outside pieces together first. She wants to stencil an elephant, and I am irritated that she doesn't press the crayon against the stencil which I have shown her to do a handful of times. She asks the same question three times in a row, and by the third time I have shut her down. 

Gosh. Some days I feel like I am hindering her creativity, and her happiness. That when she tugs on my shirt and says “Momma!” over and over again to get my attention so she can proudly show me some new piece of art, I am telling her not to be proud of herself by yelling at her to “Stop it!”.  I haven’t written a mom-to-mom post for a long time because I have wanted so badly to post something positive. Something like I used to post. About how my girl is my world and is the center of so much of my happiness and joy in my current life. It’s still true. She and Kellan are the center of so so much of my joy, but parenting? Sheesh. Parenting is tough and stressful and satisfying and good and one of the most challenging and most rewarding things I have ever done. It breaks me on some days and other days it makes me completely in love with my life…

I started this post a few days ago, on the heels of a bad day, and today was so very different. Today I smiled as I watched Addisyn trace outside the lines of her stencils, and then color in eyes, noses, and ears on these stenciled animals all out of place. They were wonderfully made and I was sure to tell her just that. Then she offered to help fold clothes, and even though she would throw her scrunched clothes on my neatly folded piles of clothes, I smiled, cuddled, and kissed her every chance I could get. I was patient in choosing my words and my tone of voice when I needed to discipline and she was receptive to it. I was a present momma, giving more attention to her than to my phone/computer or anything else that distracts me.  I guess my point is that I know this is going to be just a season for me in my life - a new momma of two trying to balance the needs of a three year old and an eight month old while being challenged in numerous ways, pulled in thirty different directions, and needed in five different places at once. And as with any season, I get excited when it arrives, take advantage of it towards the middle and savor the last days, but once it has passed, I want it back so badly. Except this season only happens once, so why not delight in every moment of it? Even in the hard days, learning how to turn it around for the sake of Addisyn and Kellan. Learning how to turn my attitude around. To start the day over. To answer all her questions because she just wants to talk to me and I want her to know that I want to talk with her. To disconnect everything else in life and focus on what matters, the beauty of this season because after all, I will never get it back.  

Because I have to have a pic of my little Bubba! 

Mom to Mom | Having it "All Together"

When there was just Addisyn I was totally that mom that you see in the grocery store with Fort Knox patience.  Addisyn would be singing loudly, crying because she wants a snack, or asking me the same question over and over again and my replies would be just as calm mannered as the last;  yes baby, of course baby, I love you sweetie, even if you do ask me the same question a million times. I wasn’t even putting on a front, I was really that patient.  At least that is how I remember it .  Sometimes I would even catch myself watching other moms who were super snappy with their kids and think, sheesh! He was just punching his brother in the nose. What’s all the fuss!  Or even worse, on the days that Addisyn was a saint at the grocery store, looking up at me with those big blue eyes and just wanting to hold my hand as I pushed the cart, I would look at the brothers who were punching each other and think to myself, Get it together lady! Look at my angel sitting here with the halo over her head and the choir of heavenly voices singing down on us. Horrible, I know.

Fast forward one four month old, three year old, and a huge reality check later and I am soooo that mom where other mothers think one of two things 1.) Poor girl, she has her hands full. OR 2.) Seriously, she didn’t need to snap at her daughter like that and she could have at least changed her shirt covered in spit up. On the mornings I need to be in town it takes me a good hour just to get the kids ready at which point I look in the mirror and challenge my outfit choice; sweats and Steve’s hoodie?…hmmm. What’s the possibility I am going to run into someone who I know?  Eh, I can just  aisle dodge if I see someone.  And then walk out the door I go. Looking HOT, people!  Hanes sweat pants are the new Dior. Didn’t you get the memo? 

Yesterday I found myself in Target standing in line behind a perfectly “all-together” momma. She was dressed from head to toe in a well coordinated and perfectly accessorized spring outfit and her daughter could have jumped right out of the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue. I had just finished a CrossFit workout so there I was; sweatpants, hoodie, sweaty and wearing a fabulous body odor scent. Not to mention, the day before I had spilled Fire Roasted vegetable soup in my purse and so that odor was coming through as well.  Addisyn had pizza sauce smeared across her face because let’s face it, I wasn’t going to do a workout, go to the store AND fix her a nice healthy lunch. It was Target snack bar pizza on the go and that would have to do. I was  *this* close to falling into the pity party slump when Addisyn saw the Organic Yo Kids yogurt tubes in the cart, started clapping her hands, smiling, and belted out the loudest “I love you mommy!”.  It was the best.  

So this whole situation got me thinking. What is an “all together” mommy?  Does it even exist? I am pretty sure that there is daily sacrifice in all of our mommy lives. Whether you sacrifice your gym time, your own taste in fun girly clothing, or you stay up until midnight catching up on folding laundry – none of us have it all together. We should probably stop comparing ourselves to others that appear to have it all together because I can promise you that they don’t.  Parenting is a learning process and I think if future Stacy looked back at present day Stacy she would probably think I am doing just fine.  I am trying really hard to raise my babies to be good and loving people, by showing them love and discipline on a daily basis. I think if I am doing that, maybe some days with a little less patience than others or not with my outfit of choice, then quite possibly I am great momma :-)
 

With Love,

Stacy

Slacking on the pics this week. This is my life now, drool and teething :-) 

Mom to Mom | Letting Go in the Land of Pretend

Addisyn and I have had a series of off days. Except our off days seem to have become less a rarity and more the norm. They are the kind of days where Not Obeying Momma holds hands with Not Working Disciplinary Tactics and they go right out the door along with their friends: No Logical Answer and Why Try Reasoning. This post, albeit positive in nature, could have very well gone in the opposite direction had I not had a few amazingly supportive women in my life; one of which wrote me the most heartfelt message telling me about her experience tasting humble pie when her second child arrived.   One day, on another post, I will probably share with you all the juicy details about how Addisyn tests me on a daily basis. I am pretty sure it will be therapeutic…. But today I require positivity - lots of it – to get me through a rough mothering week. And isn’t that the key to being a good mommy? Resting on the positive and relishing in the small loving moments to help get us through the negative days.

Yep, today we travel to The Land of Pretend. It’s a place where unicorns are the pets of princesses and playing house means taking naps every five minutes. And you know this mommy can get down with some pretend nap time. It looks a lot like regular nap time except she puts me to sleep. Maybe it is because of moments like this that I have begun to let go of the world of arts and crafts with Addisyn and embrace The Land of Pretend. Or maybe it is because my girly can imagine just about anything and I love to watch that unfold. The other day she tucked an almond milk carton to sleep; making sure the burp cloth blanket and diaper pillow were perfectly comforting to the baby.  Mind you, there were three or four actual baby dolls lying around the floor and she chose to put the almond milk to sleep. When I suggested that she might use a baby doll she paused, looked at one, thought better of it, and turned around to sing a lullaby to baby milk carton.    Today our pretend was that she was the mommy and I was the Addy. The three foot blonde hair me went through a whole entire day starting with a trip to the beach where she drove, told me to be patient three times in the back seat, and said that I will have to wait for my snack when I get to the beach.  We stayed for a brief moment at the beach before we were back at home taking a nap, or four of them, and then talking on the phone with her friend Meech and Brookie.  As the story goes, Brookie, who is also a princess, was coming over to play in her princess tower so I turned back into mommy to help make her a princess tunnel for Princess Addisyn and Knight Kellan to crawl through to escape the nice monster.  Aaah, The Land of Pretend. The place where things don’t happen the way you expect them to and it makes for a better story. I love it. There is no stress…just unicorns and princesses. And wouldn’t you know it? In The Land of Pretend I always make friends with This Doesn’t Make Sense and Just Let Go. 

With Love,

Stacy


I have a small selection of pictures this week. I am still learning how to be a mommy of two and have a camera in hand :-) 

Mom to Mom | Morning Blessings

I have a new alarm clock. She is about 3 feet tall, has wispy blonde hair that sweeps across her face then falls to her shoulders, the softest blue eyes that would make any momma swoon, and knows how to sport some footie purple polka-dot pajamas.  Ever since she hit big-girl bed status, I can guarantee a more gentler wake-up versus the old "Mommy!Mommy!Mommy!" that preceded this new found freedom. I love this  new routine so much more.  Addisyn climbs up on the foot of my bed and crawls to Steve’s side of the bed. I am barely awake as I reach across the bed and lift the comforter so she can nestle her body into the covers.  I usually re-position myself so I can sleepily watch her with one eye open. She finds her spot pretty quickly and I know she is cozy when her head hits the pillow and she begins to rub baby brother’s ear.  Most of the time there are no words spoken between us except for the occasional whisper, “momma, he’s so cute” and my reply, “I know baby, just like you”.  If I am lucky enough, we sometimes both fall back asleep in the quietness of the morning.  It’s a new favorite part of my day. A small moment right before my brain becomes cluttered with all my things to do for the day where I can connect with how my heart is feeling in that moment and where my daughter has all of her mom present.  I feel peace and I feel entirely in love. There are days when I am flat out exhausted and yet it is impossible to not watch as my daughter rubs her baby brother’s ear and looks at him adoringly.  I will ashamedly admit that this is one of the only times in the day where I don’t instantly snap to my more regular (and hormonal) response of “Addisyn please don’t touch him! He’s sleeping. ” or “Addisyn,  you don’t have to touch him all the time!” Maybe it is the stillness of the morning or the warmth of the covers, but I cherish  that time when she loves her brother so fully, first thing in the morning.   This has been the biggest adjustment for me...learning how to be a mentally present mother to Addisyn again. When for almost three years she could do no wrong; it seems like now my days are infected with short tempers. I know this is normal and a period that will pass, but it is my biggest struggle I have right now. And if there is one thing that I have learned the first three years of mommyhood it is that mommy guilt never goes away. It’s here to stay. It’s probably why we, as moms, hold on to moments like these. It’s the time in all the quietness where we witness our children acting out of love. It is in these moments when we know we are doing something right and we feel no guilt. 

***

Sister needed some good quality family time so we went for a walk the other evening and it was exactly what we all needed.  

Mom to Mom | Adjusting

Adjusting.

That will be the word of the month. Maybe even the word of the year. From November 19^th until now it has been less about adjusting and more about surviving the day without a complete breakdown. I don’t think I have it as bad as some people, but I also think I have had the push-me-to-the-edge moments that I don’t remember with Addisyn. Her infant stage will forever go down in history as being hecka easy compared to baby Kellan. It’s true that there have been a few moments in Kellan’s young life when I dropped the incorrect pronoun in conversation, “Babe, can you go get her” or “Is she hungry?”, but he has retaliated by taking away my sleep. He may have failed his first hearing test, but Steve is convinced Kellan has superhuman hearing and decides to belt out his best and longest crying cantata the moment he hears our eyelids shut at the end of the day.  I’ve been dealing with the ebb and flow lately of good days and bad days. My good days look like exercising and a good diet, laundry, photography, playing with Addisyn and not wanting to football toss baby Kellan to Steve the minute he steps through the door. And my bad days are the exact opposite of the aforementioned productive verbs above- not exercising, not cleaning, not doing photography, letting the t.v. do my job with Addisyn and mentally breaking down at the end of the night. Can I get an Amen for that hot, quiet and peaceful 15 minute shower at the end of the day?  I will mention that today was a good day and it looked like this: getting hours of work done, eating healthy, cooking an amazing dinner, and running errands looking like a hot mess. The "good" part of the day is that I showed up at a department store in navy blue sweat pants, a black old sweatshirt, no make-up and a breast milk leaking issue (breast pads, breast pads, breast pads) without running into anyone I knew.  Whew!   

So I am adjusting to everything – having a second child, owning my own business, balancing it all, and taking care of myself with even less time in the day. On the days where I am nearing breakdown, I take comfort in knowing that I’ve been blessed with two children, I have been trusted to do this job, I have a husband I can rely on, and one day I will get my momjo back.   Until then, I am adjusting.

A small shout out to the Style network for your late night company while Kellan is awake so I can quote Giuliani and say things like “momjo”.   I take no credit for that clever saying J

I hope you enjoy a few pics from our Christmas!

With Love,

Stacy

This year we got to add Kellan's first ornament to the tree. 

We started new traditions of opening up one present on Christmas Eve.

Baby Kellan's first ornament from Nana and Pape

Another tradition of watching a Christmas movie before bedtime on Christmas Eve

This was her actual Christmas Eve present she got to open! 

her very special "Addisyn" chair

Her first reaction when she saw the picture below! 

And this was her reaction when she noticed she had a horse! 

And then we went to Virginia to visit family and can I just say that I have the coolest brother! 36 years old and asked for a skateboard for Christmas to ride it in the parking lot during breaks at work at his church !

He still has it! 

Oh and the cutest nephews ever!

Addisyn was able to share her dad and very special princess stories with the rest of the gang. She was so proud!

Grant and Jared listening to the story

Celebrating her early birthday with family :-) 

I think she is excited. Yes?

Ohhhh! Hi baby Kellan. You are so cute and peaceful here. I still want to smother those cheeks with kisses :-)