Mom-to-Mom | Savoring this Season

I don’t know what I expect. Maybe a floating warning sign that lights up above Addisyn and Kellan when they are about to do something that proves their growing up way to fast. It would flash brightly whenever they were about to surprise the heck out of me with a new something.  Like Kellan pulling himself up onto Addisyn’s play table before he can even crawl, or Addisyn showing me a picture she drew of Gamma, Gampa, and her, their Bugglebum. Since when does she draw stick figures so perfectly? And by perfectly I mean that they have warped circle heads, spider arms that reach to the sky, triangle bodies with peg legs, and the biggest smiles on their faces, so perfectly drawn nonetheless. I believe the floating warning signs would at least tame my proud momma moments to a quiet praise instead of my normal high pitched squeal. I feel like everyday it’s something different; Kellan pulling himself up in the Pack-n-Play or Addisyn coming up with a contemporary dance move that will surely land her a spot in the top twenty of So You Think You Can Dance, season 28.  Last week, it was going under water while holding her breath during swim lessons. Yesterday it was breaking apart her food and feeding it to the dogs under the table- sneaky and disobedient, yes, but so stinkin’ hilarious to watch.  And today it was, “Momma can you sign me up for dance lessons and princess lessons”. To which I replied, “Baby, I think you have the princess bit covered”. The good, the bad, and the cute – this girl and my little boy are on roadrunner speed in the growing up department.

I wish I could say that I have been able to sit back and enjoy it all. That every day was full of praise or proud momma moments, but that is not the case. In fact, I would say the scales often tip on the side of short tempered momma days. It’s been a hard transition for me to two kids. When I used to be so patient and purposeful in raising Addisyn, there are days now when I am quick to use a tone of voice I am not proud of, or even say things I shouldn't say to my child simply because I am trying to teach her through my actions and words. While some days go wonderfully, other days are filled with moments of anxiety, worry, and even instances of anger that I have to try to control. It’s not fun. At all. And the saddest part is that I know I am missing some of the very best parts about my little girl just because I just too tired and exhausted. 

She wants to put together a puzzle, and I’m irritated that she doesn't put the outside pieces together first. She wants to stencil an elephant, and I am irritated that she doesn't press the crayon against the stencil which I have shown her to do a handful of times. She asks the same question three times in a row, and by the third time I have shut her down. 

Gosh. Some days I feel like I am hindering her creativity, and her happiness. That when she tugs on my shirt and says “Momma!” over and over again to get my attention so she can proudly show me some new piece of art, I am telling her not to be proud of herself by yelling at her to “Stop it!”.  I haven’t written a mom-to-mom post for a long time because I have wanted so badly to post something positive. Something like I used to post. About how my girl is my world and is the center of so much of my happiness and joy in my current life. It’s still true. She and Kellan are the center of so so much of my joy, but parenting? Sheesh. Parenting is tough and stressful and satisfying and good and one of the most challenging and most rewarding things I have ever done. It breaks me on some days and other days it makes me completely in love with my life…

I started this post a few days ago, on the heels of a bad day, and today was so very different. Today I smiled as I watched Addisyn trace outside the lines of her stencils, and then color in eyes, noses, and ears on these stenciled animals all out of place. They were wonderfully made and I was sure to tell her just that. Then she offered to help fold clothes, and even though she would throw her scrunched clothes on my neatly folded piles of clothes, I smiled, cuddled, and kissed her every chance I could get. I was patient in choosing my words and my tone of voice when I needed to discipline and she was receptive to it. I was a present momma, giving more attention to her than to my phone/computer or anything else that distracts me.  I guess my point is that I know this is going to be just a season for me in my life - a new momma of two trying to balance the needs of a three year old and an eight month old while being challenged in numerous ways, pulled in thirty different directions, and needed in five different places at once. And as with any season, I get excited when it arrives, take advantage of it towards the middle and savor the last days, but once it has passed, I want it back so badly. Except this season only happens once, so why not delight in every moment of it? Even in the hard days, learning how to turn it around for the sake of Addisyn and Kellan. Learning how to turn my attitude around. To start the day over. To answer all her questions because she just wants to talk to me and I want her to know that I want to talk with her. To disconnect everything else in life and focus on what matters, the beauty of this season because after all, I will never get it back.  

Because I have to have a pic of my little Bubba! 

Mom to Mom | Letting Go in the Land of Pretend

Addisyn and I have had a series of off days. Except our off days seem to have become less a rarity and more the norm. They are the kind of days where Not Obeying Momma holds hands with Not Working Disciplinary Tactics and they go right out the door along with their friends: No Logical Answer and Why Try Reasoning. This post, albeit positive in nature, could have very well gone in the opposite direction had I not had a few amazingly supportive women in my life; one of which wrote me the most heartfelt message telling me about her experience tasting humble pie when her second child arrived.   One day, on another post, I will probably share with you all the juicy details about how Addisyn tests me on a daily basis. I am pretty sure it will be therapeutic…. But today I require positivity - lots of it – to get me through a rough mothering week. And isn’t that the key to being a good mommy? Resting on the positive and relishing in the small loving moments to help get us through the negative days.

Yep, today we travel to The Land of Pretend. It’s a place where unicorns are the pets of princesses and playing house means taking naps every five minutes. And you know this mommy can get down with some pretend nap time. It looks a lot like regular nap time except she puts me to sleep. Maybe it is because of moments like this that I have begun to let go of the world of arts and crafts with Addisyn and embrace The Land of Pretend. Or maybe it is because my girly can imagine just about anything and I love to watch that unfold. The other day she tucked an almond milk carton to sleep; making sure the burp cloth blanket and diaper pillow were perfectly comforting to the baby.  Mind you, there were three or four actual baby dolls lying around the floor and she chose to put the almond milk to sleep. When I suggested that she might use a baby doll she paused, looked at one, thought better of it, and turned around to sing a lullaby to baby milk carton.    Today our pretend was that she was the mommy and I was the Addy. The three foot blonde hair me went through a whole entire day starting with a trip to the beach where she drove, told me to be patient three times in the back seat, and said that I will have to wait for my snack when I get to the beach.  We stayed for a brief moment at the beach before we were back at home taking a nap, or four of them, and then talking on the phone with her friend Meech and Brookie.  As the story goes, Brookie, who is also a princess, was coming over to play in her princess tower so I turned back into mommy to help make her a princess tunnel for Princess Addisyn and Knight Kellan to crawl through to escape the nice monster.  Aaah, The Land of Pretend. The place where things don’t happen the way you expect them to and it makes for a better story. I love it. There is no stress…just unicorns and princesses. And wouldn’t you know it? In The Land of Pretend I always make friends with This Doesn’t Make Sense and Just Let Go. 

With Love,

Stacy


I have a small selection of pictures this week. I am still learning how to be a mommy of two and have a camera in hand :-) 

Mom to Mom | Adjusting

Adjusting.

That will be the word of the month. Maybe even the word of the year. From November 19^th until now it has been less about adjusting and more about surviving the day without a complete breakdown. I don’t think I have it as bad as some people, but I also think I have had the push-me-to-the-edge moments that I don’t remember with Addisyn. Her infant stage will forever go down in history as being hecka easy compared to baby Kellan. It’s true that there have been a few moments in Kellan’s young life when I dropped the incorrect pronoun in conversation, “Babe, can you go get her” or “Is she hungry?”, but he has retaliated by taking away my sleep. He may have failed his first hearing test, but Steve is convinced Kellan has superhuman hearing and decides to belt out his best and longest crying cantata the moment he hears our eyelids shut at the end of the day.  I’ve been dealing with the ebb and flow lately of good days and bad days. My good days look like exercising and a good diet, laundry, photography, playing with Addisyn and not wanting to football toss baby Kellan to Steve the minute he steps through the door. And my bad days are the exact opposite of the aforementioned productive verbs above- not exercising, not cleaning, not doing photography, letting the t.v. do my job with Addisyn and mentally breaking down at the end of the night. Can I get an Amen for that hot, quiet and peaceful 15 minute shower at the end of the day?  I will mention that today was a good day and it looked like this: getting hours of work done, eating healthy, cooking an amazing dinner, and running errands looking like a hot mess. The "good" part of the day is that I showed up at a department store in navy blue sweat pants, a black old sweatshirt, no make-up and a breast milk leaking issue (breast pads, breast pads, breast pads) without running into anyone I knew.  Whew!   

So I am adjusting to everything – having a second child, owning my own business, balancing it all, and taking care of myself with even less time in the day. On the days where I am nearing breakdown, I take comfort in knowing that I’ve been blessed with two children, I have been trusted to do this job, I have a husband I can rely on, and one day I will get my momjo back.   Until then, I am adjusting.

A small shout out to the Style network for your late night company while Kellan is awake so I can quote Giuliani and say things like “momjo”.   I take no credit for that clever saying J

I hope you enjoy a few pics from our Christmas!

With Love,

Stacy

This year we got to add Kellan's first ornament to the tree. 

We started new traditions of opening up one present on Christmas Eve.

Baby Kellan's first ornament from Nana and Pape

Another tradition of watching a Christmas movie before bedtime on Christmas Eve

This was her actual Christmas Eve present she got to open! 

her very special "Addisyn" chair

Her first reaction when she saw the picture below! 

And this was her reaction when she noticed she had a horse! 

And then we went to Virginia to visit family and can I just say that I have the coolest brother! 36 years old and asked for a skateboard for Christmas to ride it in the parking lot during breaks at work at his church !

He still has it! 

Oh and the cutest nephews ever!

Addisyn was able to share her dad and very special princess stories with the rest of the gang. She was so proud!

Grant and Jared listening to the story

Celebrating her early birthday with family :-) 

I think she is excited. Yes?

Ohhhh! Hi baby Kellan. You are so cute and peaceful here. I still want to smother those cheeks with kisses :-) 

Mom to Mom | Her Sweet Heart

“My heart is torn just in knowing, you'll someday see the truth from lies." -Plumb

As per our routine on the nights I am not up late editing, Steve and I check on Addisyn together before we head to bed ourselves. We move her back to her pillow, tuck her blankets snuggly around her, make sure her favorite stuffed animal is tucked in her arms, and softly move her hair away from her face so we can kiss her cheeks and whisper one more “I love you”. It is often the case that the rest of our evening conversation is about her and what new words she said that day, what cool pretend story she created while playing, how sweet she was at dinner when she said, ”scused pease” to get up from the kitchen table, or just how wildly in love with her we are. It’s one of my favorite times with my husband because he makes a darn good dad and he beams with pride, love, and everything in-between when he speaks about his little girl. A true sign that I married a wonderful man and a huge relief to me that Addisyn will grow up knowing how a real man is supposed to treat his lady. But, Steve and I also have nights when we talk about Addisyn’s sensitive heart.  We discuss times in the day when she had her feelings hurt and how it makes us sad to know as she gets older the world’s perception of “normal” will begin to affect some of the character that we love about our little girl. I fear the day when she is too embarrassed to break out a free spirited dance in any store or whenever she hears a good dance (or “ballerine” in Addy language) song despite who is looking.  I cringe at the idea that one day she might think it’s lame to put on a new dress, run to Steve, do a twirl to show it off, and say “Look Dadda, I bootiful!” or that one day it will no longer be “cool” to give mom and dad four different types of kisses at night (regular kiss, noozle kiss, butterfly kiss, and a kiss with one leg up).

Although we rarely admit it, Steve and I know she will someday begin to realize that this world has other ideas for her. Wrong ideas, I might add, like her love for Jesus isn’t real, that her beauty is defined by her body figure, her clothes, or how many boys like her, and that her random dance-offs aren’t appropriate in public. It is even a huge possibility that the world will tell her that loving her parents openly and choosing to respect and obey them isn’t cool. We know it is inevitable because we live in that same world. I don’t think I will ever be fully prepared for the day when Addisyn comes home from school comparing herself others or when she looks in the mirror and doesn’t see the most beautiful girl in the world.

I think as parents we have this inherent protective gene built in us. We must protect our children physically to the best of our ability, yes, but let’s not forget to do so spiritually and emotionally as well. This protection can come in forms of open communication, outwardly loving our children, and even showing them what respect means between mom and dad. As Addisyn gets older, I find myself being more mindful of how her peers are affecting her and how her daily activities and interactions can mold her. So at the end of the day during our family time, Steve and I make sure we dance extra long with her, ask her questions about her day, talk to her about Jesus, and tell her how proud we are to have her as our daughter. We know the world is coming and we can’t stop it, but we’ll do everything in our power ensure our little girl is emotionally and spiritually equip for when it gets here.

Some of Addisyn's Autumn pics :-) 

With Love,

Stacy Hart

Suffering into Hope

When the tears of suffering meets the arms of hope, great things will happen.

My last personal blog post was on August 21^st and admittedly, I am okay with that. My heart and mind have been somewhere else and consequently my thoughts have been far removed from this blog. I don’t know how many people read my blog, but the handful of people I know who do are well connected with my life. They know that almost one month ago some very dear friends, Katie and Justin, lost their five year old son Nate in a tragic drowning. I received the call on Labor Day morning. With the news came an unknown heaviness from within my chest that held me in my bed and in a zombie-like state for days. I screamed. I cried out to God. I questioned Him. I fell into my bed and onto my knees and cried for hours. This can’t be happening. Not to Katie.

I have sat down to write this post at least a half dozen times. Each time, a paragraph into the post, I would shut my laptop down and cry. I felt helpless and shattered. I could not do anything to honor Nate or comfort his family and my words seemed so insignificant.  You see, I didn’t know Nate as well as his family knew him. Yes, I was blessed with a few summer beach trips with our two families and a few photo shoots sprinkled here and there, but there weren’t enough memories to share or stories to tell that I could naturally recall.   Each time I have left this laptop broken-hearted and with the thought, I didn’t love him the way I know Katie loved him. This isn’t my story to tell.

Katie and I were texting back and forth one day a couple of weeks ago during one of my attempts to write again. I asked her for permission to blog about Nate, but told her it might not happen because I couldn’t form my thoughts.   She simply told me to write from my heart. And so, with that advice, I opened the laptop one more time today.

This is for Katie.

Katie is a great mother from whom I seek advice and encouragement. We have had countless conversations about motherhood; how tired we are, how we crave a beer and some chips with salsa after the kids go to bed, how quitting our jobs to be stay-at-home-moms was the best thing we could have ever done, how we can’t shake that last five pounds from delivering our babies, and how the personalities of our little ones are shining through each day.  I see myself in her and I know she sees herself in me. We wear the title “mommy” proudly and truly know it as one very important purpose we have on this earth. We both have been blessed to feel the waves of peace that come with the gift of motherhood and we connect on the mommy and friend level more than I can with a lot of other women. This is why when I began to write this post, as humbled and discouraged as I was, I realized that it didn’t have to be about Nate. It could be about Katie.  Amongst her suffering, Katie has given so many of us moms hope and motivation. You see, while her thoughts are consumed with great memories of Nate and plagued with unanswered questions, my thoughts are always on her. As a mother, I have questioned if I could go on after losing a child even for the sake of my other kids and husband. I have imagined countless moments in Katie’s new life where she will have to face this void. I have even shouted out at God on Katie’s behalf and yet, I know I am only feeling a fraction of her pain. So what must Katie be thinking about our Almighty Creator?  I look at Addisyn and I see Nate – not in personality or in physical traits, but in a child divinely created and given to me on purpose with no telling how many days she has. It scares the crap out of me to imagine being in the place where Katie is right now and all I have been able to do is pray for hope in a future with joy, peace, and Christ’s presence. It never occurred to me that while we are all praying for hope, Katie is living it. She has not only put one foot in front of the other every day, but she has publicly displayed her strength in Christ and in her will to move forward and find joy again. She has been intentional in her healing, knowing she must find peace again and never doubting her purpose as a mother, a wife, or a child of God. Here I am, tears hitting my keyboard, realizing that in the reflection of her suffering, Katie has shown so many of us how to live a life with true hope and faith.   

Nate being silly in one of my visits, putting grass in his momma's hair :-) 

Go Out. Be Great! 

Stacy

To read more about Nate and the legacy he has left behind to "Go Out. Be Great!" visit his site at http://www.nathanchrisbaker.com/

Mom to Mom: An Honest Moment

Steve and I can clearly remember when we adopted our first dog from the SPCA. It was love at first sight when we locked eyes with those soft brown eyes of our terrier mix, Boo.  The decision to adopt him was an easy one. We eagerly filled out the adoption questionnaire and effortlessly answered most of the questions, but there was one question we both paused at: “Why do you want to adopt this pet?”  It was a silly question to us because there was an obvious answer, but still I was at a loss for words as I looked up at Steve searching for the exact explanation as to why we wanted to adopt Boo. And, as if he could read my heart, Steve simply said “to love him”.  It was a perfectly worded response and truthfully we didn’t understand there to be any other reason why someone would want to adopt a dog. To increase monthly expenses due to vet bills and dog food? Nothing else seemed right.

When it came time to adopt our second dog, our reason for adopting hadn’t changed: we wanted to love another. Still, there was a little worry and concern in my heart.  Could I divide my love? Would I have a favorite? Would I lose my time with Boo?  I had serious conversations with Steve as to who was still going to get to cuddle with Boo when we had two dogs. We were both so in love with him that we thought getting a second dog could possibly force us to divide our love evenly between the two. Although I knew it’s what we wanted, I was a bit reluctant when the day came and we made our way to the SPCA. That reluctance melted into pure joy the moment I picked up our tiny little pit bull-lab mix, Pisces, and instantly my love for him fell into place. Even after we got home, I realized it was a love that was natural and not divided. We simply had two perfectly cute furry kids to love.

I was reminded of this story last night when Steve and I were going to bed. Steve wanted to talk with Kellan in my belly and told him this same story. He told Kellan that just like we wanted to love another dog, we wanted to love another child. That there was no other reason why we were so excited to meet him - just the love that we know we will have for him. Then he told Kellan about his big sister Addisyn.  And as Steve spoke, I could feel the lump in my throat getting bigger and the tears beginning to build at the corners of my eyes. I love Addisyn so much and I love that she gets all of my attention right now when it is just me and her. I can’t imagine dividing that time and taking some of our moments away from her.  So my excitement, as is often the case, was replaced with a feeling of fear and worry.  I feel so un-motherly for even saying these words because I have blogged 1,037  times about how I know my love will multiply and not divide. The even sadder part is that I’ve mistaken this irrational fear for fear and  resentment that we are having a boy and not a girl, but I think it really comes down to this question: Can I love this child as much as I love Addisyn?  At this point I am sure there are at least a dozen mothers reading this that have felt the same way and a few of them have already reassured me that this is normal and that the love will be instantaneous the second I meet Kellan, but the gut feeling I have is still…doubt. It’s weird. I know! I pride myself on being an outwardly loving momma and maybe that is why this feeling is so hurtful and frustrating to me.  Still, it’s real. And so each day that goes by I try to find new ways to love my little girl…and my little boy.  Yesterday Addisyn and I folded all of baby Kellan’s clothes and organized a closet just for him. She was thrilled to be helping momma, and I was happy to see all the baby clothes we were collecting again. I’m imagining it happening all over again.  A tiny body that will fill those clothes and the coos and baby smells that will fill and multiply the love in our house once again. 

And today? well, today we danced! 

It's hard to show this in still photos, but she was dancing while cleaning...

while sucking her fingers...

and while trying on bunny ears.

The second move is her favorite pose. It's mine too :-) it's so Paso Doble!

She makes my heart melt! I'm one lucky momma.

With Love,

Stacy