Mom to Mom: An Honest Moment

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Mom to Mom: An Honest Moment

Labels: lifestyle photography, Mom to Mom, Personal

Steve and I can clearly remember when we adopted our first dog from the SPCA. It was love at first sight when we locked eyes with those soft brown eyes of our terrier mix, Boo. The decision to adopt him was an easy one. We eagerly filled out the adoption questionnaire and effortlessly answered most of the questions, but there was one question we both paused at: “Why do you want to adopt this pet?” It was a silly question to us because there was an obvious answer, but still I was at a loss for words as I looked up at Steve searching for the exact explanation as to why we wanted to adopt Boo. And, as if he could read my heart, Steve simply said “to love him”. It was a perfectly worded response and truthfully we didn’t understand there to be any other reason why someone would want to adopt a dog. To increase monthly expenses due to vet bills and dog food? Nothing else seemed right.

When it came time to adopt our second dog, our reason for adopting hadn’t changed: we wanted to love another. Still, there was a little worry and concern in my heart. Could I divide my love? Would I have a favorite? Would I lose my time with Boo? I had serious conversations with Steve as to who was still going to get to cuddle with Boo when we had two dogs. We were both so in love with him that we thought getting a second dog could possibly force us to divide our love evenly between the two. Although I knew it’s what we wanted, I was a bit reluctant when the day came and we made our way to the SPCA. That reluctance melted into pure joy the moment I picked up our tiny little pit bull-lab mix, Pisces, and instantly my love for him fell into place. Even after we got home, I realized it was a love that was natural and not divided. We simply had two perfectly cute furry kids to love.

I was reminded of this story last night when Steve and I were going to bed. Steve wanted to talk with Kellan in my belly and told him this same story. He told Kellan that just like we wanted to love another dog, we wanted to love another child. That there was no other reason why we were so excited to meet him - just the love that we know we will have for him. Then he told Kellan about his big sister Addisyn. And as Steve spoke, I could feel the lump in my throat getting bigger and the tears beginning to build at the corners of my eyes. I love Addisyn so much and I love that she gets all of my attention right now when it is just me and her. I can’t imagine dividing that time and taking some of our moments away from her. So my excitement, as is often the case, was replaced with a feeling of fear and worry. I feel so un-motherly for even saying these words because I have blogged 1,037 times about how I know my love will multiply and not divide. The even sadder part is that I’ve mistaken this irrational fear for fear and resentment that we are having a boy and not a girl, but I think it really comes down to this question: Can I love this child as much as I love Addisyn? At this point I am sure there are at least a dozen mothers reading this that have felt the same way and a few of them have already reassured me that this is normal and that the love will be instantaneous the second I meet Kellan, but the gut feeling I have is still…doubt. It’s weird. I know! I pride myself on being an outwardly loving momma and maybe that is why this feeling is so hurtful and frustrating to me. Still, it’s real. And so each day that goes by I try to find new ways to love my little girl…and my little boy. Yesterday Addisyn and I folded all of baby Kellan’s clothes and organized a closet just for him. She was thrilled to be helping momma, and I was happy to see all the baby clothes we were collecting again. I’m imagining it happening all over again. A tiny body that will fill those clothes and the coos and baby smells that will fill and multiply the love in our house once again.

And today? well, today we danced!