Mom-to-Mom | Savoring this Season

I don’t know what I expect. Maybe a floating warning sign that lights up above Addisyn and Kellan when they are about to do something that proves their growing up way to fast. It would flash brightly whenever they were about to surprise the heck out of me with a new something.  Like Kellan pulling himself up onto Addisyn’s play table before he can even crawl, or Addisyn showing me a picture she drew of Gamma, Gampa, and her, their Bugglebum. Since when does she draw stick figures so perfectly? And by perfectly I mean that they have warped circle heads, spider arms that reach to the sky, triangle bodies with peg legs, and the biggest smiles on their faces, so perfectly drawn nonetheless. I believe the floating warning signs would at least tame my proud momma moments to a quiet praise instead of my normal high pitched squeal. I feel like everyday it’s something different; Kellan pulling himself up in the Pack-n-Play or Addisyn coming up with a contemporary dance move that will surely land her a spot in the top twenty of So You Think You Can Dance, season 28.  Last week, it was going under water while holding her breath during swim lessons. Yesterday it was breaking apart her food and feeding it to the dogs under the table- sneaky and disobedient, yes, but so stinkin’ hilarious to watch.  And today it was, “Momma can you sign me up for dance lessons and princess lessons”. To which I replied, “Baby, I think you have the princess bit covered”. The good, the bad, and the cute – this girl and my little boy are on roadrunner speed in the growing up department.

I wish I could say that I have been able to sit back and enjoy it all. That every day was full of praise or proud momma moments, but that is not the case. In fact, I would say the scales often tip on the side of short tempered momma days. It’s been a hard transition for me to two kids. When I used to be so patient and purposeful in raising Addisyn, there are days now when I am quick to use a tone of voice I am not proud of, or even say things I shouldn't say to my child simply because I am trying to teach her through my actions and words. While some days go wonderfully, other days are filled with moments of anxiety, worry, and even instances of anger that I have to try to control. It’s not fun. At all. And the saddest part is that I know I am missing some of the very best parts about my little girl just because I just too tired and exhausted. 

She wants to put together a puzzle, and I’m irritated that she doesn't put the outside pieces together first. She wants to stencil an elephant, and I am irritated that she doesn't press the crayon against the stencil which I have shown her to do a handful of times. She asks the same question three times in a row, and by the third time I have shut her down. 

Gosh. Some days I feel like I am hindering her creativity, and her happiness. That when she tugs on my shirt and says “Momma!” over and over again to get my attention so she can proudly show me some new piece of art, I am telling her not to be proud of herself by yelling at her to “Stop it!”.  I haven’t written a mom-to-mom post for a long time because I have wanted so badly to post something positive. Something like I used to post. About how my girl is my world and is the center of so much of my happiness and joy in my current life. It’s still true. She and Kellan are the center of so so much of my joy, but parenting? Sheesh. Parenting is tough and stressful and satisfying and good and one of the most challenging and most rewarding things I have ever done. It breaks me on some days and other days it makes me completely in love with my life…

I started this post a few days ago, on the heels of a bad day, and today was so very different. Today I smiled as I watched Addisyn trace outside the lines of her stencils, and then color in eyes, noses, and ears on these stenciled animals all out of place. They were wonderfully made and I was sure to tell her just that. Then she offered to help fold clothes, and even though she would throw her scrunched clothes on my neatly folded piles of clothes, I smiled, cuddled, and kissed her every chance I could get. I was patient in choosing my words and my tone of voice when I needed to discipline and she was receptive to it. I was a present momma, giving more attention to her than to my phone/computer or anything else that distracts me.  I guess my point is that I know this is going to be just a season for me in my life - a new momma of two trying to balance the needs of a three year old and an eight month old while being challenged in numerous ways, pulled in thirty different directions, and needed in five different places at once. And as with any season, I get excited when it arrives, take advantage of it towards the middle and savor the last days, but once it has passed, I want it back so badly. Except this season only happens once, so why not delight in every moment of it? Even in the hard days, learning how to turn it around for the sake of Addisyn and Kellan. Learning how to turn my attitude around. To start the day over. To answer all her questions because she just wants to talk to me and I want her to know that I want to talk with her. To disconnect everything else in life and focus on what matters, the beauty of this season because after all, I will never get it back.  

Because I have to have a pic of my little Bubba!