Here it goes...
We cared enough for each other to embrace for hours while we sat on the new couch we had bought for us and sobbed. My stomach was doing flips that whole day. It was caught somewhere between being so depressed I wanted to vomit and so depressed I wanted to curl up in a ball and not exist. I was confused and wondered how I could feel so loved in his arms at that moment and not at any other moment in the past four years. We held each other tight, separately wondering where we had gone wrong: me, wanting to be more important than sports and video games to him, and him wanting someone that was passionate for him and not the idea of a perfect husband that he would never fulfill. We cared enough to embrace each other for hours, but not enough to stay married.
My days following were filled with thoughts and feelings of guilt, fear, and failure. The guilt that I had divorced a man who told me he was only getting married once in his life and wanted to make sure I was “the one”. The same man who broke up with me a few short months after our engagement, probably knowing I wasn’t “the one” for him, but took me back after hours of begging. It was the guilt that I had done this to him that consumed me each day more than the feelings of fear that I would never be forgiven and failure at something as important as marriage. I remember waking up each morning trying to fill a void in my heart and going to bed each night knowing I had failed.
And so began my mission to fill this void. I submerged myself instantly into the first relationship that came my way. A “man of Christ” who was boyishly handsome and worshipped the ground I walked on. It worked…temporarily. We went to church together, hung out with new church friends together, and even studied scripture together. On paper, it seemed like the perfect relationship, but it quickly grew exhausting. It was hard work pretending to be happy with him and with life while holding back the urge to unleash all the unresolved pain, anger, frustration, and disappointment from trapping myself into another relationship without ever resolving the grief of my unsuccessful marriage. To rationalize my heart’s discontent; I convinced myself that this relationship was God’s just punishment for the vows I’d broken to Him. In my misery, I continued to go through the motions the only way I knew how. My boyfriend and I prayed together, went to church, sang worship songs and even read The Bible together. If I did these things for long enough, life would surely turn around. I mean, that’s what God wanted, right?
As the next year and a half passed, my depression turned into anger, anger into resentment and resentment into an emptiness deeper than I’d ever felt. I was doing everything I thought God wanted me to do, but felt more disconnected from Him than I had even in my college partying years.
So there I was, pretty much at the end of my rope and wanting so badly to just run away. But, because I signed a contract committing myself to the United States Military and I had just bought a house that I was soon to close on, run away Stacy was not an option. To make matters even worse, I got a call from my shift chief that morning telling me to report to him when I got into the squadron that evening. I knew in my gut what was about to happen and I didn’t like it. Rumors had been circulating that another deployment was coming up overseas. My suspicions were confirmed when I got to work to receive the news that I would be one of two people in my 300 plus person squadron who would be going over to an undisclosed location in southeast Asia starting Jan. 9th. It was late November when I found out about the deployment, which meant I had a month to try to get out of it.
I threw everything on the line. If one person told me I had to go, I went straight to his boss. Until, finally I had gone all the way up my chain of command pleading with first sergeant then to the commander to find a way to get me out of the deployment. I couldn’t handle the thought of being overseas while closing on my house and constantly assuring my boyfriend that he and I would be okay. But, most of all, as much as I thought I wanted to run away I was really fearful to go somewhere and feel even MORE alone.
Despite driving my best complaining efforts all the way to the top of the food chain, nothing could be done. When January 9th came I boarded a plane with four people I didn’t know headed overseas for a four month deployment. I didn’t understand why this was happening. If God had even the slightest care about me, he would understand how important it was for me to be home to close on my house and comfort my boyfriend. I guess I still hadn’t done enough to pay off my debt.
Once our plane landed and I in-processed my new position, I found out quickly that this is what happens in the desert when you don’t know anyone. You read, you workout, you soul search and you try to meet people. At least that’s what I did. I read a lot; The Bible, religious books, novels and then at night I would lay in my bed and think of what my life was all about and who Stacy really was. It was amazing the amount of clarity I was able to perceive myself in when my focus was on only me and God without any other distractions. In only two short weeks I had already made strides in my recovery surpassing those of the previous eighteen months. Then God gave me Sharla. We had an instant connection as friends and it wasn’t long until we were laughing together in a genuine sincere expression of joy my heart had missed for so long. From that point on we were inseparable. We worked together, exercised together, relaxed together and talked about our lives. Through our conversations, I found out that Sharla was deployed with her husband and they were considering a separation when they got back to the states. In helping her through this difficult time, I was able to finally unload the pain and mistakes I’d made in my divorce in a way to help her get through the problems she was having with her husband. My deployment, away from all my loved ones and all the comforts of home became my time of healing. And, after just a couple of months, I remember feeling more alive than at any other point in my life. I no longer had the desire to go home because I was exactly where I needed to be. It was at this point that God gave me another gift. It came in the form of a $500 Verizon family shared plan phone bill. After a very short investigation, much to my surprise, I discovered that my “Godly” boyfriend was also a boyfriend to at least one other girl in the tri-state area. The break up was clear, but the freedom I felt directly after the break up was even better. I remember crying because I had been so unhappy for so long and it took THIS incident to finally end it. I briefly chastised myself for being stupid enough to remain in a miserable relationship for as long as I did, but soon felt a huge relief as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The fact that I was in the desert and not closing on my house was very clear to me now.
I came back to the states a different person. The angry woman who had been dragged onto her deployment reaching for every door frame on her way out, had returned as someone who had found in her heart to seek God’s forgiveness and who truly believed that she had received it. I finally understood that this was all a perfectly designed moment of healing so I could find myself and find Him all over again.
But, my walk was far from over. I also came back to the states not so single. While deployed I felt lead to begin dating my friend Steve who was back in Delaware and felt an overwhelming sense of peace in our relationship. And today I am married to him; a husband who cherishes me, a leader in so many ways, the father to our amazing daughter Addisyn, and most importantly, a man of God. You see, sometimes we go through pain for a very specific reason…we would never know how much we need Him without it. Through it all, I found that God’s love transcends all earthly pain and that my purpose here is so much bigger than what I had been living. But only when I put God first, could I know the beauty of His love. That is why I am second…
Enjoy some pics from my deployment :-)
Yes, I do know that I am a big dork.
Push up contest...What was I thinking?
It's clear that these big guns lost the push-up contest
Enjoy some pics from my deployment :-)
Yes, I do know that I am a big dork.
Push up contest...What was I thinking?
It's clear that these big guns lost the push-up contest
I love you...this is beautiful...I wish I could find the peace and clarity that you have... <3
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