Thursday, October 13, 2011

One More For Love The Story: Chapter 24 - Peace


I am actually at a loss for words right now and don’t know how best to organize my thoughts. Your email made my day, to say the least, and I couldn’t be more excited to get home and have our very first “more than a bbq” date.  Everything with you is so natural and I think I have had a permanent smile on my face since the day we reconnected over here. I know it has only been a short time since me and Chris broke up and my desire to live out my new found freedom has only just begun, but I can’t shake this feeling. This brings me to a very important topic…

US: It’s true that when I used to look around at roll call and see you standing in formation that I was absolutely pumped. Our conversations on the flightline have always made my nights go by so fast and something to look forward to on my ride into work.  I did briefly wonder what it would be like to be with you and quickly dismissed the idea because of my situation. Still, our friendship has always been so much fun. You are definitely one person I have always confided in at work and even now with everything that is going on with my house, I turn to you first. I think that speaks for itself, but the one thing you can’t see that you should know about is how I feel now. I am pretty sure there is an extra skip to my step these days and my friend Sharla gets to hear about you a lot lately. I don’t know what *this* is between us, but I know it feels right so I am just going with it.  My heart is at peace for the first time in my life and I haven’t ever felt this much joy.

Counting the days until our date and wishing you were here,


Peace would describe it best.  After years of confusion and wonder why my heart sought something it so plainly could not have; here it was and peace came upon me like a deep breath and a long exhale.  I felt some excitement and happiness at seeing a beginning to the “US” Stacy had so sweetly referred to. But, when the excitement settled and I let myself internalize the entirety of that moment, there was a relief to finally be where I always felt I had belonged.

Though peace was not what I expected, it certainly made sense. The single life was never for me and it had always felt like a constant grind.  It was exhausting to meet someone new, hope she’d become someone she never could be, then still find myself disappointed when she turned out to be exactly who I thought she was.   This emotional cycle of consistent let down had toughened my heart to a state of dating apathy. It could only be revived by satisfying the expectation that only one woman could ever meet.  This email was a relief because if Stacy was feeling the same peace I was feeling then…the search was over.  A void the size of a swimming pool that had only felt drips from a faucet was finally met with a waterfall.

I knew I hadn’t told her I loved her or put a title to it yet, but I also knew that titles and words could be deceiving and foolish.  And, the way she made my heart calm and spirit come to rest was all the proof I needed to know this was real.  I didn’t want anyone else, I didn’t want anything else, but to let her know that I wanted her and her alone and I would wait for twelve months of deployment if it meant I could hold her when she came back home.


I was walking from my car to the gym the following day when I got a phone call from Stacy. I smiled softly to myself and felt a gentle warmth in my heart; confident in every word I was about to say.

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